Hello Everyone:

It’s a hot and humid day here in Toronto. Sunny and peaceful sitting on my balcony listening to the sounds of the cicada bugs. They are definitely an indication that it’s going to be hot and sticky out there. I don’t mind except the humidity sometimes makes my lymphedema act up.

Earlier this week, I attended an event where Mariel Hemingway was the guest speaker. She was promoting her new memoir, “Out Came The Sun”. She spoke about her inner demons and how speaking and writing about them helps to put things into perspective and by sharing her story, makes her a healthier, more balanced person. That, and going to therapy and seeing the Dalai Lama. J. I think when you hear someone talking about things that we all think about, but perhaps are too afraid or shy to discuss out loud, you realize that you’re OK – and that you’re not alone.  It made me think about my own writings and how in a big way, they have helped me sort out my own thoughts and feelings during these past few years. These Winnie’s Warriors segments have definitely kept me sane in the moments that I thought I might have gone crazy. (Or even more crazy than I was). I have decided that I am going to read her book this weekend.

Yesterday I went for a follow up appointment at the After Cancer Transition Treatment Clinic. It was a long wait, and I ended up buying two books that the hospital was selling to help raise funds. I bought “The Help” – which I think was a movie, and also one titled, “Paris – A Love Story” – which is a memoir by Kati Marton. She talks about how Paris helped her grow as a young woman, where she found love (twice) and now where it is helping her heal and find her way after the sudden death of her husband. It reminded me of when I went to Paris 4 years ago to ‘heal and recoup’. (OK – I really bought it because it had Paris and Love in the title. J)

My doctor and I discussed how I was feeling and doing. I recently participated in her survey that was about the fear of recurrence. While chatting, I told her that I am terribly afraid of that, and how my recent scare earlier this year really took a toll on me. I’m not sure if it was because I was in the hospital again and waiting that I didn’t feel like myself. As we were talking, I felt shaky and a fear came over me. I could feel some tears welling up. I took a deep breath and the tears remained unshed. I regained my composure and knew that I need to do something to gather my thoughts and regroup. So, here I am writing to get it out. Aside from that, we did talk about continuing to take Tamoxifen. I have been on it for 4 years now and the side effects (hot flashes, slow hair growth and weight gain) continue. She mentioned a drug that I could take to help increase my estrogen – because the Tamoxifen supresses it – I’m not sure. My cancer was hormone positive. They have done tests/studies and so far it seems to be OK to those who are using it. I have to see my oncologist this fall, so I’ll ask his thoughts. She is the second doctor who has recommended this to me. For now, I’ll put up with the side effects, but as she put it, “I know you can, but it’s about quality of life and little things can help”. As for the Tamoxifen, she said they will likely recommend I continue to take it for the 10 years (instead of the 5 years) based on my stage of cancer when I was diagnosed. I never asked before – so I did now just because of the look on her face while she was reading my file. Stage 3. That shook me a little because I thought there were only 4 stages before it was doomsday. Needless to say, I thought about it all day and looked it up when I got home. I am really blessed and lucky.

(I sometimes wonder what is in your file. The doctors look and then close the file so quickly that you can’t quite see. Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode.)

Generally, I’m fine. However, I have been feeling a little tired and run down even though I have been getting 8 hours of sleep each night.

So I have decided that I need to slow it down. I think that I have been pretty good at doing the life, work and family balancing act. But I think I need a some more just “Winnie” time. I haven’t been doing much exercising aside from my walking so I am going to schedule in swimming (which is good for the lymphedema) and start Yoga again in the fall.

And with that, I went home from work last night, made myself some dinner, poured a small glass of 1968 Calvados (purchased in Paris) and read “Paris, A love story” cover to cover and remembered why I love that city so much. Might be time for another trip soon.

“The things we truly love stay with us always, locked in our hearts as long as life remains.”

Josephine Baker

Keeping you all in my heart,

Winnie xo