Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! (At least here in Canada).

Just wanted to share and express my deep gratitude and appreciation for all the people and blessings that I have in my life.

Thankful that I have many many close friends that I can call confidants. I recently read in a newspaper article that because of Instagram, Facebook, and other social media programs that people can lose touch with the deep friendship connection. Over the past number of years the number of confidants people have had have dropped from 3 to 2. I am so lucky that I have more than I can count on my fingers and toes!

Thankful that after five years of having no eyebrows and having to draw them in everyday, that my Aunt Julia in Taipei took me to get them tattooed. It’s a little thing but what a difference it makes to have them again! I am no longer reminded of my horrible ordeal the first thing when I wake up and look in the mirror. It was a little depressing I have to admit. (It’s not permanent – but I will take what I can get!)

Thankful that I was able to go to Taiwan this past summer and see my grandfather, my last living grandparent, before he passed. We had spent a couple of special moments ‎In the hospital while he was still lucid. I was never very close to my maternal grandfather but when he saw me in the hospital he reached out and pulled me in and hugged me which he had never done before. It was a special moment that I will never forget. My maternal grandmother passed suddenly last year. I attended her funeral. My paternal grandfather passed away when I was 15. My paternal grandmother who I was the closest with, I didn’t arrive in time to say my last good-byes while she still had breath although I attended her funeral in the Philippines. For those who know, not being able to be there in her last moments, still pains me today. So what a blessing this trip was.

Thankful that I have all of you as my “special someones”! All whom I carry and keep close in my heart. Does it get better than that??

And, Thankful that my recent extra eye exam (which I wrote back about on WW’s #56) came back and it was normal. For now – just regular monitoring. I am not losing my peripheral vision yet! Phew!

As I quoted before from Audrey Hepburn, I know that I walk with the knowledge that I never walk alone…

Eternally Thankful and Grateful of who I am and who & what I have in my life. There is so much to look forward to!

Summed up here by‎ Charlie Brown:

“The smile on my face doesn’t mean my life is perfect. It means I appreciate what I have and what I have been blessed with.

I choose to be happy.”

THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR BEING MY WARRIORS!

Love, Winnie xo

Hello Everyone:

Run Day. October 2^nd. It was a great day. 13 Warriors and I did the CIBC Run for the Cure. This was the team’s 5^th outing. The weather called for Thunder-storms. However when I left my condo to head down for the Opening Ceremonies, the sun was shining and it was actually quite warm. I was feeling good and proud to be doing the Run again. I still get goose-bumps as I see all the other participants and when I enter King’s College Circle. I remember my first time out in 2011 after my treatments just ended and how overwhelmed I was. I remember when I crossed the finish line that first time and heard my brother encouraging and cheering me on (while taking a video of my very slow trot),  to the event where I told my story to the over 13,000 people who were there. Then,  writing “Winnie’s Warriors” on the Wall of Hope. Now for the 5^th time. It was a beautiful day and I even ‘jogged’ 3 out of the 5 kilometres!! Pleasantly surprised that I was in better shape than I had thought. I mean, I am not a jogger, let alone a runner! HAHA.

That said, we were all pretty much ready to go home after the pre-run “warm-up”. But all 14 Warriors crossed the finish line! J

On another note, my girls came out for the first time…….I’m talking about my little nieces, Hana and Miya!  J  *Photos attached.

All said and done, I walked almost 9 miles and took 17,000 steps over the course of the day. At least that is what my watch gadget said. The Advil and a warm Epsom salt bath afterwards when I got home was welcomed! And a little nap of course! I have to admit that my legs were a little sore this morning walking up the subway stairs! 😛

When there were 3 sleeps to go, I received a message that I was a Top 25 fundraiser in Toronto. With over 10,000 participants at the Toronto Run – I thought that was pretty cool. We are all Changemakers!

Thank you to all my wonderful, generous friends, colleagues, Warriors and family who have helped Winnie’s Warriors raise about $40,000 since I have started on this journey and I am truly honored and humbled by this achievement.

Next year, I am going to take Winnie’s Warriors and move us to raise funds for the Yorkville Run, which supports local charities. I used that run as part of my “training”. It was 5 kilometres as well. Special thanks to Warrior Brenda for doing it with me. We power-walked (sort of) the entire away – coming in around 53 minutes. I think we shaved a few minutes off that time at this Run. J LOL.

At that run, I supported Wellspring, which is a local charity that provides support, assistance, and activities to those who have gone through, are going through, and living with cancer. I think fundraising for local charities may have more impact overall.

My fellow Warriors and I had some delicious dim sum after the Run. It was another moment in my life that I will cherish. There have been many on this journey – and there will be many more!

Year 5. I’m looking forward to Year 10 (when I hopefully won’t have to take any more Tamoxifen and my hair will really grow back!!)

Life is a collection of moments and the idea is to have as many good ones that you can. That’s my plan!

Hugs and love,

Winnie, the Warrior xo

Hello Everyone and Happy Sunday:

Its been hot, humid and very summery in Toronto. I hear it has been like that in many parts of the world. Not a lot of rain although the forecast is calling for a shower or thunderstorm tomorrow we need it.

Its been a while since Ive written last. Ive been gathering my thoughts but since I had a few medical appointments earlier this spring, I thought I would wait to give an update. But there is always something going on so I figured Id get on my computer and reach out while doing my laundry. J

My Au Revoir refers to how the French say good-bye. In fact, many other languages its the same idea good bye until we meet again. And generally, I think that is a good thing. However, I had some moments earlier in the spring that weighed on me. It has been 5 years since Ive been taking Tamoxifen. They are recommending another 5 years. *le sigh. I suppose it is best to go along with it. When I went for my annual pap, my doctor told me that Tamoxifen has been reported to increase the chance of cancer of the endometrium or uterus (womb) as well uterine fibroids (thankfully those are non-cancerous tumours). As I have said before, I am typically on a needs to know basis. I dont try and find about all the side effects unless necessary. Why worry more about things that may or may not happen right?! The look of worry must have been evident on my face after he said that because he followed up with, Ive been appointed the head chief of all the cancers below the waist so I will look after you. We can monitor and screen for these things. Phew……sort of. Hes been my doctor for over 20 years I hope he doesnt retire anytime soon. :O

Then shortly after that, speaking with some friends and clients, I heard about a couple of lost battles to cancer and also recurrence. You think that youve beaten it, but that doesnt stop you from thinking about it. After youve had cancer, you always do. You cant help it. So instead of Au Revoir Id just like to say Good Riddance!! I realize that as time passes, it might not be cancer that comes back, but all the side effects and other things that come to visit. My family doctor has put me back on blood pressure pills. I had managed to get off it a couple of years ago. Were not sure if its hereditary or if its from the tamoxifen. Even she says that you dont know everything that it can cause.  I was hoping that it was a temporary thing. But weve had to increase the dosage over the past few months. My readings are better so well see. More meds…..just what I need. L

At the start of the summer, my back and chest where I was radiated turned into scaly, rough skin even though I put a lot of sunscreen on. Call me Lizard-Winnie. (not attractive, believe me). Ive also come across a couple of bumps here and there but I suspect that they are just lipoma. I had one before below my breast but I had my surgeon cut it out and check it. Lipoma is a benign tumor composed of adipose tissue (body fat).

The Tamoxifen is supressing my estrogen. And while my hope was to grow older and age gracefully, I find that my eye-lids are drooping. Good thing Im not too vain and care all that much about appearances (LOL who am I kidding?!).at least I know a good plastic surgeon if necessary!!

As I was speaking with a friend who has also been through the traumas of breast cancer and also has had a couple of scares we realized that it had been a while since I had my last mammogram. I remembered that it has been well over a year as I had had my last scare in April 2015 and I had called my mother while I was waiting for the results. It was her birthday. I ended up calling the Imaging department, the After-Cancer Treatment Clinic and then my surgeon at the Breast Centre to try and figure out how to get one booked. It can be quite confusing after a while. I now have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. You can get lost in the system sometimes, and avoidance and procrastination will lead you to be forgotten. One must really keep vigilant and advocate for oneself! (Thanks JS for reminding me).

I recently did my annual Field Vision Test. I did not perform well. You have to stare at a little light constantly and press a clicker when you see other light flashing in the dome. There was some concern, so my optometrist, called me in. There is another test I can do she said it was not covered by OHIP (government). I said lets go ahead anyway. This is my vision after all. She said I took it quite well. (Well how could I not? If there is something wrong, and we catch it early then at least we can deal with it). I walked out, and walked back in to ask which eye was not right, she said both. Yikes!!

It might be the start of glaucoma which there are drops for. The bright side that I can tell is that one of the side effects of the drops can be eye lash growthI have to stay positive right?!

I had thought at one point that the chemo/radiation was affecting my vision which it can sometimes. Tamoxifen another culprit. Now that I have actually read some of the known side effects, which include disturbances of vision (cataracts, changes to the cornea or disease of the retina) and cases of optic nerve diseases. Not going to lie, Im nervous and a little worried. Stay tuned. Referral has been sent to book an appointment for this test.

The humidity might be affecting my lymphedema. My right hand has been swelling and my arm to a lesser degree. I might have to buy some rings for my fat-days. J. Another bright side! LOL. Better get back into the pool I’ve been putting that off.

Live music can be a healer and bring joy to the soul. I went to a concert at Casa Loma called Soul in the City. With all the crazy and hatred in the world, the theme was to bring love and friendship together. Over the course of the evening I made a few new acquaintances. One, a lady who I approached who was sitting alone at a table inside the pavilion. (I did not have a seat and was not looking forward to standing). Turns out that I knew one of her friends and sat with them :). We had a good laugh. Then I befriended a young couple who had just got engaged at the castle. They shared their champagne and gave me their table when they left. I used it as an opportunity to bring in a young girl who was sitting outside alone in the garden. Then we also brought inside a young man who had taken her spot outside. I got them to get up and dance together too! One of the ladies said to me, “We need to bottle up your energy and clone you. The world would be a nicer place. You’re amazing!”. How nice of her!! Sometimes, the world is not always that friendly, but every now and then, if you dare to reach out, it could just change your outlook and experience.

Change will come. Change will happen. It must. We need to will it to.

Enjoy your day. Hope it is doing what you want and with who you want.

Always,

Winnie, the Warrior XO

Hello Everyone:

It’s a mellow Wednesday afternoon – a calm hump day if you will. Mainly because I am with some dear friends in Tortola, British Virgin Islands. It’s peaceful and rustic here. Not too commercialized or full of your typical ‘tourists’. They do have cruise ships that seem to come in daily, but even on an island with a population of 24,000 people it doesn’t seem too crowded. I arrived on Sunday and today was the first day we were able to head to a couple of the local beaches. Where most of the ‘boat people’ don’t go. Although the sun was out it has been a little windy. But it’s not all that bad – since the wind keeps the mosquitos at bay. (and the geckos and lizards, I’ve been told). I try not to think about the geckos and lizards too much, especially when I am going to bed – that’s where I saw one on the wall – since thinking that they will crawl on me in my sleep doesn’t help.   

We had lunch today at one of the surfing beaches. No surfing going on – the waves were too rough. Too bad, I was looking forward to seeing some surf boys and take a lesson or two. . Miss Naomi of Naomi’s Little Secret Bar – must be in her late 70s, early 80s. There in her little ‘shack’ making delicious food because she likes to cook for people. Then we took at walk on the beach and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon – lounging, and getting some rays. Ah, yes – the simple life. (But in between, I checked emails, and did some work). However, I am learning how to ‘slow down’, and take a deep breath and enjoy the scenery. I am working on the life, work, balance thing. I think I can do it!

February 8th brought in the Year of the Monkey. Thank goodness. The outgoing Year of the Goat is usually a difficult one for those like me born under the sign of the Ox. (as I wrote in a past WW’s email from last February). I finished off the last days of the Goat with an eye infection. I don’t remember ever having one before. I looked like I been punched in the face (just for the record, not an attractive look). For this year, I’ve read that it will be an interesting one for the Ox. Apparently some plans will work out well and there will be some good opportunities that will come along. Even better – as I wrote last time that I was looking to make this year about becoming a ‘better Winnie’ – it works out well as professional and personal development can be rewarding this year i.e. taking up some interests (skiing and golf), and training in personal study (languages).  Right up my alley!

For the Water Ox, who has seen a great deal happen in recent years (no kidding!!) and in this one can look forward to reaping some perhaps overdue rewards.  (I like the sounds of that!). This was one of my favourites: The Monkey year will tempt many Water Oxen to travel and by taking advantage of the opportunities that come her way, the Water Ox will enjoy travelling over the year.  Overall, the Monkey year is filled with possibility but to realize her ambitions, the Water Ox has to be the driving force. And determined. (I think I can do that too!) In many areas of the Water Ox’s life, this is a year for moving forward. On a personal level, she will be supported by those around her and important developments can be set in motion (that’s all of you, Winnie’s Warriors!).  

“Tip of the Year: Seize any chances to add to your skills, knowledge and experience. This can help your current situation as well as increase your options for later. Also, enjoy spending time with your loved ones. Joint pursuits can bring great pleasure and lead to more support.”

WELL, all I can say is, Welcome Monkey!! It’s been a month since the new year has started and I can already feel the change happening. Hey – I’m in Tortola after all. I feel good and ready for new, exciting challenges and opportunities (good ones of course!) and looking forward in moving forward on the important things in my life, with my good friends and family.  

I have also been trying to be more creative. I started a knitting project and it was my first complete dress – I cut a few corners (it was supposed to be sleeveless – but I thought the armholes were too much so I made it into a halter). I’ve attached a photo. It actually fits me. Not bad for winging it – kind of. More importantly, it’s not just the dress but the life you’re living in it. I’ve actually gone out in it. HAHA. Yes, call me the simple life Winnie!

I’ve only dabbled in knitting, but just scarves and a couple of hats – I did quite a bit during my treatments. And low and behold, I have come across an article from the NY Times that talks about the healing effects and health benefits of knitting. Who would have thought?!

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/01/25/the-health-benefits-of-knitting/?smprod=nytcore-iphone&smid=nytcore-iphone-share 

Keep well. Stay healthy and put your feet up once in a while and try knitting – does wonders to reduce stress and anxiety and more!!

Love and hugs, Winnie

Hello Everyone!

Happy and health 2016! I have been meaning to write earlier but just been going non-stop. This is one of the first nights that I have been ‘relaxing’.  

A couple of people I knew passed away earlier in the month. One, of old age. The second, someone I met 18 years ago. He had a heart attack on the Go Train. He was 54. The third, was someone I met through good friends who lost a battle with a rare cancer. I believe he was in his 50s. Then others – mainstream people who also lost their lives to cancer. David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Both 69.

Always makes me reflect and feel so lucky and thankful that I am still around.

Reminds me that Life – is to be lived. That Life is a blessing. That Life is not to be taken for granted. That Life is to be shared and enjoyed with your loved ones and friends. That Life, can be short and we need to cherish all the moments we can. That Life, although we cannot control what our destiny will be, is what we have and that connects us to each other.

I did a bit of new year cleaning and purging. I came across the menu from the night I shaved my hair off and those who attended the event wrote their thoughts and words of encouragement on the sheet. It brought back memories and tears of joy. A reminder of a painful night, but also a reminder of everyone around me who were there and those that were not – that have seen me through this ordeal. Who, continue to be around and for whom I hope to be there for in return. To celebrate the good, and to support when things are tough. Friendships – relationships – family – the essence of the lives we live. *also shows that I am a pack rat. The page was a little yellowed and wrinkled – but it is over 5 years old. I put it in a book to preserve it. I decided I’m going to frame it.

I don’t make new year’s resolutions. I have always tried to live without regret. But this year, although not resolutions, I do want to put more effort in making myself a better me. I’ve decided to educate myself by watching more documentaries (I received a membership to the Bloor Cinema – hot docs and have already seen 4 since the beginning of the year – 1) Ingrid Bergman, 2) Misty Copeland, 3) Palio, 4) Requiem of the American Dream). Sometimes I think I’ve lived my life in a bubble so I’m branching out! 

Next – I really want to start to improve my French (and yes, Mom – my Chinese too……). I have the Rosetta Stone. I just have to plan time to focus on it – or at least do regular lessons.

Be more active – so today, was the debut of Season Four of my skiing adventure. Thanks to MQ who went out with me and was so patient. I was like a beginner all over again. This skiing thing is not that natural for me and it doesn’t help when I don’t feel confident and a little scared. It was cold, icy and the light was flat. But Santa also gave me new ski goggles to help me see better. I decided that being able to see the grooves in the terrain was much more important than the fashion goggles that I had before. *Growing up! – – sort of, because when I bought my lift ticket, the lady asked me if I was a student or adult. I think I’d better wear my ‘apres-ski’ hat more often!! HAHA.

I was so sore when I got home that I took an Advil and had an Epsom salt bath. Feeling much better now – perhaps the wine I had at dinner helped too! 

Finally, I’m going to continue Yoga – when the next sessions start again in the spring and try to swim. I’ve found that my right arm, but mainly my hand has been swelling more in the last couple of months – so I’d better take care and keep a watch on it. So annoying.  

And, since it’s the new year, I thought I’d share Pope Francis’s 10 steps for a happy, healthy life:

1. Live and let live

2. Be giving of yourself to others

3. Move quietly

4. Have a healthy sense of leisure

5. Sunday is for family

6. Find ways to make jobs for young people

7. Respect nature

8. Letting go of negative things quickly is healthy

9. Stop procrastinating

10. Work for peace

I hope by the end of the year, that I can tick off all the steps. Good start – tomorrow the family is coming over for dinner.

Take care. Keep smiling. Give someone a hug (it was National Hug Day on the 21^st of January). And, if there is anything I can do for you, don’t ever hesitate to ask me.

Love and Hugs, Winnie xo

Hello Everyone!

I always like to send a message out on Remembrance Day. It is a day that you can put a lot of meaning to and be thankful for the life and world we have (although not perfect – but I can’t imagine the world if it were not for those brave few that saved so many).

At the end of October I went to my big 5-year (since diagnosis) check up with my oncologist at‎ Princess Margaret Hospital. I was all prepared to do blood work etc…. Boy, was I wrong about what I thought I was there for. Apparently, blood-work would not detect any cancer cells that might be floating around – at least not early enough to preempt any recurrence. So I took that to mean if they did find something – that some serious cancer has set in and you were really in trouble then. The blood-work I thought I was going to do was to see if I was in menopause. And if I were – then they might consider changing me to another drug from Tamoxifen. All they’d have to do, in my opinion, was call me to see if “auntie flow” still visited from time to time and save me the time, effort and mental stress of going to PMH. I still get goose-bumps when I walk down the main hall past where everyone is waiting to do their blood work.  The oncologist (who wasn’t my regular guy) didn’t even do any “check-up”. But at least she said I looked “great”. I go back in 2 years. In the meantime I still go to the After Cancer Treatment Clinic for follow up. I did get weighed. 60 kgs. And I saw my last weigh-in 2 years ago. 64 kgs. All I could think of was: “why didn’t anyone tell me I was getting fat?!”. Did I mention before that one of the side-effects of tamoxifen is weight gain??

I’m still going to take tamoxifen for a while yet. Apparently it is protecting me while giving me hot flashes and aches. Supposedly works better for me than the chemo. 5 more years of research – leads to more adjustments and conclusions and treatment paths. Sheesh.

Memories: Sunday, November 1st was 5 years to the day I shaved my hair off and the beginning of this journey, emails and of the club of Winnie’s Warriors. I celebrated with my family. I even told my sister and sister-in-law that I had arranged to have them shave their heads to donate their long locks…..it was a joke but the looks of both of their faces were priceless. Just having some fun! LOL.

During the day – I was on my own, reflecting quietly and peacefully about that night. How scared I was. How nervous I was. How I wondered how creepy I would look. How I felt all the love and nervousness for me from the friends and family that were there. How I watched everyone’s faces as Brian started to shave my hair. And how I started talking away – making jokes, drinking my champagne (thanks Armando), and doing my best to fight off not only my own tears, but everyone else’s. Wow. What a night. My pseudo-brother Jim said it was the weirdest invitation he had ever received. I would have to agree. Who knew what to expect?! In the end – it was AMAZING. I will never forget it.

In a recent survey, people were asked what part of their appearance did they think made them most attractive. The answer by more than 75% was “their hair”. In the past, I’d have to agree 100%. I’m still working through that. Guess that’s why I still wear wigs. J

My big news is that I have officially joined the 21st century as all my emails have been posted to: (except this one)

www.winnieswarriors.com.

I guess I’m a “blogger” now! LOL.

All my thoughts and photos‎ from the past 5 years are there. Although I haven’t figured out how or tried to put up a new post. (Thanks to Brynn for getting everything up to now posted – best $100 I’ve spent). 🙂

From time to time I have people ask me if they can forward my emails on to a friend, co-worker, or family member who is going through cancer – and now I can send them to my website to see all of them and hope that in some small way, that my memories are helping and making a little difference; giving hope and a maybe even a couple of laughs and tears too!

I have been reading them myself and I have to say, I’m enjoying them and the flood of emotions that the memories bring back.

And sometimes, when I need a break from being me, I dress up and put on a mask and dance :).

Remembering you all fondly and with love,

Winnie xo

Hello Winnie’s Warriors!

To run or to swing for the Cure? – that is the question!

My answer: why not do both?!

Last month I was invited to be the guest speaker for the Telus Swing for a Cure which was held at the Glen Abbey Golf Club in Oakville, Ontario. The tournament raised funds for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation (CBCF). I was able to golf during the day and bring a guest, who was affectionately known at the tournament as “Winnie Friend”. We had a great day and Winnie Friend (also a Winnie’s Warrior), won the longest drive for the ladies!

Sometimes, I don’t always feel like sharing and speaking, but after I made my speech I was touched and humbled again by the words of the people who approached me. “So inspiring”, “Very brave”, “You’re beautiful inside and out”, “Awesome” and “Thank you for sharing”. The representative from the CBCF said there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. In a few cases, some of the men who came up to me had lost their wives in the past couple of years. They had tears in their eyes and their appreciation for my story was so telling to see. I hugged them all. You could tell how fresh the hurt and loss still was. When I spoke, I stressed how fundraising has made a difference in the lives of those who have been touched by cancer. Treatment and support lines are much better now than it has been in the past. And although not all of us make it, we battle hard and more of us are still here today. My thanks to all is heartfelt and sincere.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I have done interviews for Post City Magazine and 680 News. I guess in my mind, every little bit helps to create awareness and hope. (Although I don’t always say yes – right away).

Today, Team Winnie’s Warriors went out again for the fourth year to participate in the CIBC Run for the Cure. It is held today across 61 cities in Canada. In Toronto centre alone, there are 12,000 participants.

Thank you to my team for coming out! Hugs!!

To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was going to go out this year – but in the end, just like with the speaking engagements, I am happy and feel proud that I did. ‎The sense of togetherness and support that you feel is amazing. The emotions are still overwhelming but it reminds us that we are human and vulnerable. It is crazy to think and know that you are a survivor.  However, it is events like these that help us all to celebrate lives, remember loved ones and heal.

Next year, it will be year 5 of the end of my treatments and I am committed to having Winnie’s Warriors out again. I invite you to mark the date in your calendar (first Sunday in October). We’re going to dress up and have some fun! ‎ Maybe we’ll try the location at the Zoo. 🙂

I feel good as I am writing this on my way home from the Run. I did feel a little “blah” this morning but seeing some  friends and family come out (on a cold and cloudy Sunday) – put a smile on my face and warmth in my heart. And, a little red lipstick always helps too!

Eternally grateful for all the support and love,

Winnie xo

Hello Everyone:

It’s a hot and humid day here in Toronto. Sunny and peaceful sitting on my balcony listening to the sounds of the cicada bugs. They are definitely an indication that it’s going to be hot and sticky out there. I don’t mind except the humidity sometimes makes my lymphedema act up.

Earlier this week, I attended an event where Mariel Hemingway was the guest speaker. She was promoting her new memoir, “Out Came The Sun”. She spoke about her inner demons and how speaking and writing about them helps to put things into perspective and by sharing her story, makes her a healthier, more balanced person. That, and going to therapy and seeing the Dalai Lama. J. I think when you hear someone talking about things that we all think about, but perhaps are too afraid or shy to discuss out loud, you realize that you’re OK – and that you’re not alone.  It made me think about my own writings and how in a big way, they have helped me sort out my own thoughts and feelings during these past few years. These Winnie’s Warriors segments have definitely kept me sane in the moments that I thought I might have gone crazy. (Or even more crazy than I was). I have decided that I am going to read her book this weekend.

Yesterday I went for a follow up appointment at the After Cancer Transition Treatment Clinic. It was a long wait, and I ended up buying two books that the hospital was selling to help raise funds. I bought “The Help” – which I think was a movie, and also one titled, “Paris – A Love Story” – which is a memoir by Kati Marton. She talks about how Paris helped her grow as a young woman, where she found love (twice) and now where it is helping her heal and find her way after the sudden death of her husband. It reminded me of when I went to Paris 4 years ago to ‘heal and recoup’. (OK – I really bought it because it had Paris and Love in the title. J)

My doctor and I discussed how I was feeling and doing. I recently participated in her survey that was about the fear of recurrence. While chatting, I told her that I am terribly afraid of that, and how my recent scare earlier this year really took a toll on me. I’m not sure if it was because I was in the hospital again and waiting that I didn’t feel like myself. As we were talking, I felt shaky and a fear came over me. I could feel some tears welling up. I took a deep breath and the tears remained unshed. I regained my composure and knew that I need to do something to gather my thoughts and regroup. So, here I am writing to get it out. Aside from that, we did talk about continuing to take Tamoxifen. I have been on it for 4 years now and the side effects (hot flashes, slow hair growth and weight gain) continue. She mentioned a drug that I could take to help increase my estrogen – because the Tamoxifen supresses it – I’m not sure. My cancer was hormone positive. They have done tests/studies and so far it seems to be OK to those who are using it. I have to see my oncologist this fall, so I’ll ask his thoughts. She is the second doctor who has recommended this to me. For now, I’ll put up with the side effects, but as she put it, “I know you can, but it’s about quality of life and little things can help”. As for the Tamoxifen, she said they will likely recommend I continue to take it for the 10 years (instead of the 5 years) based on my stage of cancer when I was diagnosed. I never asked before – so I did now just because of the look on her face while she was reading my file. Stage 3. That shook me a little because I thought there were only 4 stages before it was doomsday. Needless to say, I thought about it all day and looked it up when I got home. I am really blessed and lucky.

(I sometimes wonder what is in your file. The doctors look and then close the file so quickly that you can’t quite see. Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode.)

Generally, I’m fine. However, I have been feeling a little tired and run down even though I have been getting 8 hours of sleep each night.

So I have decided that I need to slow it down. I think that I have been pretty good at doing the life, work and family balancing act. But I think I need a some more just “Winnie” time. I haven’t been doing much exercising aside from my walking so I am going to schedule in swimming (which is good for the lymphedema) and start Yoga again in the fall.

And with that, I went home from work last night, made myself some dinner, poured a small glass of 1968 Calvados (purchased in Paris) and read “Paris, A love story” cover to cover and remembered why I love that city so much. Might be time for another trip soon.

“The things we truly love stay with us always, locked in our hearts as long as life remains.”

Josephine Baker

Keeping you all in my heart,

Winnie xo

Hello everyone:

Happy May Day! Which recognizes the Labour force (I think) but for me when I hear “may-day” it’s more for a call of help. What can I say, I’m Yellow. LOL.

It’s been an interesting couple of months for me. I am not hugely superstitious but I do heed caution to some signs and the odd “feng shui” things. I mentioned in my last update that this year, the Year of the Goat was going to be a challenging one.

And, it has been.

Typically in the early spring months I go through the ever so pleasant (*not really) routine follow up and check-ups. This March I went for my regular mammogram. It was a Monday. On the Friday (the 13^th actually) at 5:40 pm I received a message from the Imaging department that they had booked me in for a “call back” – another mammogram and now an ultrasound too. Not going to lie: it put me into a bad mood. L Luckily, I was having dinner with a couple of Warriors and it was a great help and comfort not to have been completely alone at that time. No explanation. Just a message. (A little cruel in my opinion for a Friday evening).

I put in a call to my surgeon’s office first thing on Monday morning. My nurse confirmed that the radiologist saw something. My mammogram showed signs of micro calcification. I guess after reading the info in this link that mine were ‘micro’ – because if it was ‘macro’ nothing further would have to be done. They are generally hard to detect so as there were some prominent shapes showing up that there were micro calcifications that were now showing up and they wanted to make sure the clusters were not “bad”. My nurse looked at my past mammograms and they did not indicate any calcification before – or that were detectable.

http://www.webmd.com/women/guide/breast-calcification-symptoms-causes-treatments

I have now done the second mammogram and ultrasound.

My new favourite word: “Benign”.

Thank goodness. Because while I was waiting for my appointment last week, I called my mother to greet her for her birthday. I hadn’t told her I had been called back. But while I was on the phone with her a big wave of fear washed over me. AND IT WAS REAL.

All of a sudden after being fairly calm and having compartmentalized things for the past couple of weeks, I was afraid. Really afraid. I nearly lost it. I figured before when I found the lump and had cancer that I would get sick but I would definitely survive. This time I was unsure and doubted my strength to do it all over again. I have to say, I don’t even think I felt that afraid before my mastectomy or any of the treatments or surgeries. Weird no?! The fear of recurrence to me is worse. And although I know of others who have worked through a recurrence, the thought is always daunting to me.

My mother and Robert immediately went to pray for me. And just finished when I called them full of relief and with the good news. (I made sure that the radiologist looked at both the mammogram and the ultrasound images before I left. I couldn’t wait any longer……)

PHEW & BIG SIGH OF RELIEF!!!

Needless to say my blood pressure has been crazy high again but today just got it checked. Back to 132/84 (much better than 160/100). So being monitored again. I really don’t want to go back on blood pressure medication again.

Other good news: all my recent blood work came back fantastic and great. Cholesterol, liver & kidney functions, B12, iron levels and thyroids. All functioning well and good figures. Just gained 2 kgs year over year. But, I can live with that. J

So, a good start to the weekend. And it’s finally warm enough to golf here in Toronto.

Things are looking better already.  J

I saw a sign on the subway – I think it works: “Beauty Fades, Strength You Keep Forever”.

Love and hugs,

Winnie xo

Hello Everyone:

It’s been a full and interesting February. The coldest February on record. Has been well below 0 degrees Celsius (less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit) so far all month and we have 3 days to go before the end of the month. In fact, it’s been as low as -40 degrees Celsius – the wind chill is brutal. At least it’s sunny on some days – but not always. L

Other highlights:

• Superbowl 49 – exciting game to the end – Go Patriots!
• “SAD” – Single Awareness Day (aka Valentine’s Day) – I spent the evening watching chick flicks curled up on the couch. Very peaceful. J
• Ash Wednesday February 18 – beginning of Lent – I have become a Pesca-tarian – given up all meat until Easter (April 5^th)
• Chinese New Year’s 2015 – Year of the Goat (or Sheep or Ram) –February 19
• Both my nephews’ birthdays – now 7 and 16 years old
• And the most exciting: it’s now been officially 4 years since I finished my Chemo treatments!! February 23 – – Woohoo!!

On that milestone day – I noticed that I had a new white hair – so I immediately plucked it out. After all, I am lucky that my hair has come back as black and dark as it used to be, so why ruin the look with some “salt”. I tried to let my hair grow for 6 months….sadly, according to Brian my super awesome hair stylist, it is still not strong and great. So we’ve cut it down….again. We’ll see about letting it grow again over the summer. In the meantime, I’ll be back to a more regular hair-cut schedule. To be truthful, even though I still have hair envy, I’m not sure I have the patience to grow my hair out long anymore. If I do try, I’ll be “wigging” it again for a while during the unruly growing out phases.

Now – the Chinese New Year and the Year of the Goat – I did some reading up and it is going to be a challenging one for my sign – The Ox. Luckily, I am a Water Ox. (There are 5 elements which have a strengthening or moderating influence on the signs – Wood, Earth, Metal, Fire and Water). And apparently the water sign is considered the most resilient. (Might explain a few things about my personality :o). This is a year of follow up tests. Year 5 since diagnosis. So that will be my battle to face. All will be fine I’m sure. Just a lingering nagging in the back of my mind. I’d like to be done with all of it.

So here is the description of a Water Ox:

“This Ox has a sharp and penetrating mind. She is a good organizer and sets about her work in a methodical manner. She is not as narrow-minded as some of the other types of Ox and is more willing to involve others in her plans and aspirations. She usually has very high moral standards and is often attracted to careers in public service. She is a good judge of character and has such a friendly and persuasive manner that she usually experiences little difficulty in securing her objectives. She is popular and has an excellent way with children.”

(I read it to my Mother – – she thought it was a pretty good description! LOL.)

Tip for the Year:

“Proceed carefully and mindfully. Pay heed to the views of those around you and be prepared to adjust as situations change. This may be a challenging year, but what you undertake now can be of both present and future value. Also, spend time with those who are special to you. Their love and support can be significant.”

(Hence – to all my Warriors – – thank you and I look forward to seeing and spending time with you now and always – xoxo)

I get asked about the compression sleeve I wore for my lymphedema. I usually just wear it now when I travel on airplanes. Although I still get the swelling now and then and feel my right hand and arm getting tingly when I exert it too much, I just am not interested in wearing the sleeve too often, or daily like I used to (every day for a whole year!). It’s a pain and just reminds me too much of the past. And, I just want to keep moving forward! J

Finally, an update on my “work-out & get in shape” task from the last update. Bad news: I haven’t been into or back to the gym. (Yes, I can hear the gasps of disappointment). BUT, I have been swimming, doing yoga – once in a while, and skiing (been out 10 times since the beginning of the year)!! Which in my mind is OK. That, and the fact I’ve lost 5 pounds since that boat cruise wake-up call. (LOL). I’m almost convinced that I have new muscles in my arms and legs from skiing – it’s hard work getting down the hill and maneuvering around the chair lifts!! Besides, it’s only Season Three for me. Since I’m still a rookie ski bunny, I make sure that I can been seen by the other skiers on the hill by wearing bright colours. (See attached – sorry, one of them I can’t rotate properly – technically challenged).  :p

And, since muscle weighs more than fat, I think things are looking better! That trainer would be so proud of me!! LOL.

As the Oscars just passed, I’ll close with a quote from James Dean: “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.”

Love and Hugs always,

Winnie xo