Winnie’s Warriors #18 | Wall of Hope

Oct5

Good evening all:

 

It’s been just over a month since my last radiation treatment. I am recovering well and working on getting my strength back. My body is still feeling the effects of the chemo and radiation. Not to mention that I continue to take Tamoxifen (for the next 5 years) – which causes me to have aches, pains and hot flashes……I have resorted to carrying a fan with me everywhere I go. It’s much better, more effective and prettier than using a sheet of paper, magazine or a menu. This ‘ol girl has taken a beating in the last year and then some!

 

I have started Yoga classes. It is to help with my health and wellness. That, and to “quiet the mind”. I have never taken yoga before and I called the instructor ahead of time to let her know of my situation (being a newbie and a recent cancer survivor). I told her if she mentions a pose in the class that I would have no idea what she would be referring to – I needed visual help. That said, even though I didn’t know anything about yoga poses, breathing techniques etc…..I did manage to find a yoga outfit in my closet. Imagine that! LOL. Lululemon even! In the first 10 minutes – my mind was still wandering and I actually thought, “I feel a little bored – and I’m supposed to quiet my mind for another hour?!”. I got through it – by the time you’re focusing on balance, posture, and breathing I couldn’t think about anything else. I’ve had 2 classes now and am enjoying it. I have to. I signed up for 14 classes and paid up front (yes – before I even did the first one to ‘try’).

 

On Sunday, October 2nd, I am happy to report that Winnie‘s Warriors had a team in CIBC’s RUN FOR THE CURE. It was a rainy, grey and cold day. My team of 8 was put together fairly last minute. My brother encouraged me to participate in my first run/walk and I am glad that I did. I went to the Survivor’s tent to get a special T-shirt donated by New Balance. It’s quite nice. Dry fit, and of course, pink. They had sizes for everyone. Small to XXL. I thought that was great and thoughtful. I walked up to the volunteer and she asked if I was a survivor. I smiled and said “yes”. However, it still seems a little strange to say it out loud. I asked her if I needed to show her anything – she now smiled and said “no”. I told her all I had to show her were “scars” anyway. Not so pretty. We had a good laugh together. I don’t think they get too many people asking for T-shirts who shouldn’t – – that would be wrong on so many levels. Even if they are nice and free.

 

After that, for a moment I was on my own, standing in the middle of King’s College Circle. A place I hadn’t been since I graduated from University in 1994. I took in the PEOPLE. What a crowd. The spirit. The comraderie. The laughter. The smiles. The tears. The hugs. The costumes. Quite something. I felt overwhelmed. I could feel my own goosebumps and my own tears welling up. Everyone was there for a reason. A common cause and goal. And, not only was I there for all those other people, my faithful teammates, I was there running for ME.     WOW!!

(ok – I power walked…..). As we started – and left the circle, the music was playing, and people were cheering. I was so inspired. I was honoured to be there. I was proud of how far I had come in my journey. The feeling was, in a word, AMAZING. So, I thank my warriors who joined me and especially to Bubba and Naomi who orchestrated. There was a “Wall of Hope” in the middle of the field. People wrote names, messages, and memories. “WINNIE‘s WARRIORS” is also there.

When I finished my race, a volunteer asked me if I was a survivor. I was wearing my pink t-shirt. Again, I said “yes”. She handed me a pink candle. The tag attached said:

“The spirit of the Run lives all year long. When we wake up each day. When we reach out our hands. When we love, laugh and when our hearts fill with hope. Celebrating 25 years of courage, impact and hope. Together we can create a future without breast cancer.”

 

Let’s hope so.

 

Next year, there will be a Winnie‘s Warriors Team 2012. I invite you all.

 

Big hugs,

Winnie xo

Warrior and Survivor.

Winnie’s Warriors #17 | Road to Recovery

Sep15

Hello Everyone:

It has been two weeks since my final radiation treatment. As promised, I am attaching a photo of the “blonde”. It was too hot to wear the skinny jeans so I opted for a linen dress – you can’t see them, but I’m wearing red stilettos. I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist and I had my head down reading when he came into the room – he had thought he went into the wrong treatment room – we had a good laugh. He said, the department was getting questions of “Who is the new hot doctor in radiation therapy?”. LOL!! The photo is a little blurry – but you get the idea.

 

They did warn me that sometimes things get a little worse before it gets better. Still takes time for the toxins and such to work its way through my system. I was lucky enough that my skin on my chest and back stayed intact during treatments. However, now I have rough and ugly patches and broken skin. Oh well – it’s bearable. I have purchased the strongest concentrated Vitamin E oil I could find – 28,000 I.U. I was going to buy the vitamin E capsules (which the most I found had 800 I.U.) and break them open – – until a girlfriend who I was shopping with said, “Why would you want to go through the hassle of breaking them?” So true. And glad she mentioned it. Not only do I have a much more concentrated dosage, it is much easier. WHAT was I thinking? I would have been entirely frustrated trying the first time around – and can you imagine how many of those little capsules I’d have to break open just to get good coverage?! Phew!!

 

What happens now? I live life and move forward as best I can. I was sitting on my balcony last Sunday, looking at the green foliage of the ravine and just thought, “Wow. What a year. I’m stil here and feeling all in all, not too bad.” I smiled to myself. How lucky I have been through all of this. From finding the lump last Labour Day, to getting tests done, seeing doctors, getting opinions, chemo & radiation treatments and having two surgeries – – it all seemed, looking back, to have gone quite smoothly. I really feel that it has been a ‘blip”. I have put all the bad feelings, the pain, the hurt, the sickness all behind me. I have erased those moments from my memory. Instead, I have chosen to focus on the positives – the support, the love, the laughs, & the wigs and hats.

 

Still, I have been hit with moments of fatigue and my body is feeling quite old again. I’m sure it will pass. It has to.

There are no scans or reports to say that all is ok. From what I gather, it is about how you feel and if there is anything abnormal, you’d report it to the doctors and have other tests done. My oncologist says that only 1% of reoccurences are found by check ups by the doctor. So continuous awareness of your body and health is very important. Although I don’t want to turn into a person that starts to worry about each and every little ache, pain, bump or lump – – but that said, I do have to pay attention.

 

My journey continues – – and I am so thrilled and happy to have these crazy treatments done and over with – – but, most of all, always grateful and blessed to know that you have all been with me every step of the way. Thank you!!

 

Live. Laugh. Love.

 

Your warrior,

Winnie xo

Winnie’s Warriors #16 | The Mini-bell

Aug31

Hello Everyone:

I’m heading down shortly to the hospital for treatment #24 out of #25. If all goes well and the machines behave, tomorrow, September 1st will be my final radiation treatment. There is no bell set up like in the chemo ward, however, my brother offered to come and bring a small bell since it will be my  LAST TREATMENT!!! Very sweet thought.

 

Of course, I will have to wear my “final treatment” outfit. Skinny jeans, cute top, stilettos AND……..the blond wig.

My treatment session is scheduled for noon tomorrow. They have been pretty good at being on time. It doesn’t take long either.

 

So – the invitation is out there – if anyone would like to come and ring the mini-bell with me, please come. We’ll have lunch afterwards. I will be at Princess Margaret Hospital and the location is 2B (2 floors below) – figures for radiation they need to put it on the lowest level sub-ground! LOL.

 

Amazing isn’t it? Almost brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it…….

 

Hugs to you all.

Winnie xo

Winnie’s Warriors #15 | More Than Half Way

Aug17

Dearest family and good friends:

 

Well it’s official: I have become the Asian Princess. (Yes, only now!!) What do I mean? I am now having to use an umbrella when I am outdoors to shield myself from the sun. Luckily I bought some umbrellas a few months ago that offer UV protection (well at least that’s what the marketing labels said…..) It was that or become the Asian Vampire. Let me say that it’s right out of the movies – when the vampire gets caught in a ray of sunlight – not pretty – and definitely not comfortable. At least my mother will be happy. She loves the ‘porcelain’ look. In the old days it meant that one didn’t work in the fields or get one’s hands dirty. Definitely NOT ME! LOL!!. It’s not from the radiation – it’s actually from the chemo and the tamoxifen (the oral chemo drug that I have to take for 5 years). Who knew that I am not only sensitive on the inside but on the outside too!! (*big grin)

 

I just finished radiation treatment #14. Only 11 more to go. It is an exhausting schedule going down to the hospital everyday but I am managing. I am often fatigued at the end of the day but I am taking things easy and trying to get more rest. Believe it or not. If all goes according to plan, I will be done my last radiation treatment on Thursday, September 1st. My unit is being serviced on August 30th, but my team was very accommodating in scheduling me on another unit on that day so as not to interrupt my treatment and extending it to September 2nd. They have been great. I told them that I was hoping to get away for the long weekend. And yes, I asked nicely and smiled.

 

Quite frankly, I can’t wait for each night to pass – as each day brings another treatment and one day closer to being done. Now that I’m over half way done, I am getting giddy sometimes. Can’t wait!! Then – – freedom to start to live my life as I wish – – well sort of. :0

 

Now radiation treatment isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It actually isn’t all that exciting. No “Star Wars” light show. No beams streaking through the room. It’s quite civilized and a little uneventful.  I try to spice it up by wearing nice outfits and different wigs. The team is looking forward to the blonde one. I’m saving it for treatment #25. Luckily so far my skin has stayed in tact. But there is some change in the colour. It’s to be expected. After all, radiation is like getting sun-burnt or as a friend summed it up best: “it’s like being micro-waved”.

 

And for some amusement, after radiation today, I did a segment on BNN (Business News Network) – it was live. I attach the clip. I only hoped that I made good sense. Good thing: the make-up artist said I did such a good job with my make-up myself that she didn’t have to do much! Sometime it doesn’t matter how you feel on the inside, but how you look on the outside that counts – – at least some of the time! It really does help to keep up the positive spirit. Small victories in life to keep you smiling, walking tall and happy.

http://watch.bnn.ca/business-day/august-2011/business-day-august-17-2011/#clip518175

 

Big hugs!!

Winnie xoxo

Winnie’s Warriors #14 | The last Leg Begins …

Jul27

Hello Everyone:

 

I received word on Tuesday that my radiation treatments will begin tomorrow, Thursday, July 28th. I actually had put out into the universe the thought of my radiation oncologist changing his mind/opinion on radiation therapy for me……but alas, it was not to be….*le sigh

 

No matter – the sooner this starts, the sooner it ends. 25 treatments. Generally on weekdays except for statutory holidays. So, I am figuring that I should be done by the time Labour Day weekend starts (unless there are problems with machine breakdowns and the such – which I am told happens from time to time). Should that be the case, it would be just about 1 year to the day that I found the lump (it was the Labour Day weekend 2010). Amazing isn’t it?!

 

Not sure what to expect.  The last 2 weeks have taken its toll on me. The wondering, the uncertainty, the ‘just want to get a date to get things started’, the restless nights and feeling anxious…..it’s exhausting! I don’t know what to expect – but will give you an update after a few treatments. I’m not worried. Just a little apprehensive because it is another unknown that I am venturing into. However, I am hopeful that in my next update, I’ll write the usual, “it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be!”  *big grin & smile

 

Good news: (there is always the good news) THIS IS IT. No more other treatment. The last of any cancer cells will be gone (fingers crossed) and the focus will turn to full recovery and getting back my stride and ‘mo-jo’. (LOL). I am looking forward to it. I can’t begin to say how tired I am of this!! I was just beginning to feel and look like the old me since my return from Paris. I’ve actually gotten rid of the extra “chemo-weight/fat”. To think, I went to Paris for 2 weeks, indulged in butter, cream and wine and still managed to lose a little weight – – – how’s that instead of going to Weight Watchers!! LOL.

 

Another small piece of good news: I actually golfed 18 holes last Sunday. I figured I should try before the radiation starts. Shot a 94. (42 on the front 9 and 52 on the back – yes – blow up). However, I was happy about the round. Not bad since I haven’t golfed 18 holes since last Labour Day weekend. There is hope yet my friends!!

 

Take care. Big hugs to all of you. Incredibly lucky to have all your positive energy with me during this journey.

Winnie xo

Winnie’s Warriors #13

Jul13

Hello Everyone:

Fitting to write my 13th update on the 13th!

 

I have returned from Paris. What a wonderful place to recoup and gather my strength and senses. It was a fantastic trip and even though I was on my own for most of the time, it was absolutely the best decision to go. I shopped, had fabulous french food, walked, biked, laughed, smiled,  talked to strangers (my french has improved a lot!) and saw a caberet show.  I was a true “flaneur”:

The term flâneur  comes from the french masculine noun flâneur—which has the basic meanings of “stroller”, “lounger”, “saunterer”, “loafer”—which itself comes from the French verb flâner, which means “to stroll”. Charles Baudelaire developed a derived meaning of flâneur—that of “a person who walks the city in order to experience it”. Because of the term’s usage and theorization by Baudelaire and numerous thinkers in economic, cultural, literary and historical fields, the idea of the flâneur has accumulated significant meaning as a referent for understanding urban phenomena and modernity.

Flâneur is not limited to someone committing the physical act of peripatetic stroll in the Baudelairian sense, but can also include a “complete philosophical way of living and thinking“.

Now – on to the business at hand – – I saw Dr. Maclean, my radiation oncologist on Monday (11th). We agreed that doing some radiation therapy is prudent. I’m not thrilled about it, but I accept it. In a way, it is a little bit of risk management and deep down I know it is the right thing for me to do. I have thought long and hard about it and ready to start. Later today, I will be heading back to the hospital to do a planning session (simulation) that has to do done before treatment can begin. It is a CT simulator that will take images or scans, which provides a picture of the area to be treated. The pictures will help them decipher how to direct the radiation to my body. It is a map and I will be marked up so that the radiation is targeted to the same area each time. What I will be going through is “external beam radiation therapy”. Good news is that is doesn’t make you radioactive, so that means it is safe for me to be with other people right after my treatment! (Phew – no solitary confinement! – haha). Although, it could have been cool if I did get some superpowers…….

 

The actual treatments (25 in total – 5 days/week for 5 weeks) will start in the next week or so. I’ll keep you posted once I have more information and give you an update on how I feel and how things are going. Don’t know what to expect – – all I know is that it’s not supposed to hurt! Mainly fatigue.

 

We’re in the last legs of this beast of a disease – and I believe that things will only get better! Thank you all again for your prayers and well wishes. I couldn’t have come this far, so well without you.

 

Big hugs,

Winnie xo

Winnie’s Warriors #12

Jun6

Hello Everyone:

What beautiful weather we are starting to have. I am sitting out on my balcony writing this. It is very peaceful and green. Sometimes I feel like I am in the country as you don’t hear any noise from the street – just the birds and the occasional plane overhead.

 

Since my last update, I have been to see the radiation oncologist (May 30th) and waited to hear back from him after he consulted with some colleagues on my situation. The word is: Yes to radiation treatment. (*le sigh). He got an independent opinion on my pathology from the chief guy at PMH. They both came to the same conclusion. With PMH being “the cancer hospital” in Canada and one of the best in the world, it’s hard to argue.

 

Talk about timing – there have been a couple of articles in the paper discussing this debate of radiation. Sunday’s Toronto Star and today’s Globe and Mail. Seems like there are merits to it after all. No guarantees, but merits. Perhaps the pros are starting to outweigh the cons. However, it is all about trying to avoid reoccurence, and although there are no guarantees down the road no matter what you do, the pathology is what is was and I have to accept that.

 

The good news in all of this – is that the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight. I will be meeting the radiation oncologist again on July 11th. We’re going to potentially get some scans done and then work out our treatment plan of attack. Looking at 25 treatments. 5 days a week for 5 weeks. Yikes. Another good thing – although I don’t know what the radiation will do or if it will hurt, I do know that it’s NOT AS BAD AS CHEMO! (Or so they say…..but I believe them!) LOL.

 

Obvious question: why wait until July to see the oncologist again?

Answer: because I had started the reconstruction process, it has to get finished up before radiation and I have to have the second part surgery. 

 

Again, I was very lucky with my health care professionals and managed to get squeezed in for June 16th. Day surgery, however, not as complicated or invasive as the last one. This way I will have a good 3, close to 4 weeks to recover and get my strength back physically to start the gruelling daily radiation treatments.

 

To charge up emotionally and mentally, I plan on convalescing in the City of Lights for two weeks. Sitting at cafes, eating croissants and admiring the french ladies walking around dressed up in their heels. Only the tourists wear running shoes and birkenstocks (so I am told!!). Perhaps go on a walking tour or two, learn to make some delicious sauces and the famous french macarons! Yummy!

 

My surgeon is completely aware – he said I could go as long as I made sure that I didn’t carry my own luggage or do any heavy lifting. That included at the airport, taxis and up to my apartment. I said that I would try and learn some french and see if I could find some to help a “lady in need”……..It will go something like this: “Excusez-moi monsieur, pouvez-vous m’aider?” (And then, bat my eyelashes and flash the best smile I can)……Wonder if THAT might work for me. LOL!!  Since it is shopping season in Paris – it was suggested that I need to bring a butler to help me carry my bags! I don’t think that will be necessary – I have small feet – the shoe boxes won’t be that heavy!!

 

To close, since we are speaking about beauty and Paris, I give you a poem written by Audrey Hepburn that was sent to me: it is about real beauty – beauty that I have learned so well in the last year – because I have real beauty all around me with all of you.

 

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

 

Big hugs and kisses to all of you, my dear friends and warriors.

Winnie xoxo

Winnie’s Warriors #11 | The Results Are In

May18

Hello everyone:

 

This past Monday the 16th I went to see my general surgeon who passed on the results of my pathology. The report was not as favourable as we would have liked. That said, they have gotten all that they could have via surgical means. You see, with breast cancer, you either have it or you don’t. They don’t say that it is in remission. By removing the breast/tissue and all the lymph nodes, we have been able to scoop out the cancer that can be seen. Good news!

 

The not so good part was that of the 15 lymph nodes that I had, 5 were positive for cancer cells still after the chemo. Tenacious little cells – – but I figured, hey, they ought to be – – just look at the host body’s personality. LOL!  Needless to say, I was a little devastated when I was read the report – so much so that for a millisecond I considered becoming a VEGAN…..imagine that?! However, like I said, it only lasted a nanosecond. Seriously, I think it was more a feeling of disappointment. I expected maybe 2 or 3 positive nodes. I expected that my journey was almost at the end. I expected that the light at the end of the tunnel was so close. I thought that all the happy and positive energy would give me a glowing report. I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. Or worse, getting a “FAIL” on a report card. (To be clear, never got one of those in my entire schooling career! – Too afraid – chinese dragon mother! haha).

 

So what does this mean? Slight detour. It means that I have to go back to see the radiation oncologist and we’ll discuss options. Fear not, I am prepared and ready to take the next steps. As I was reminded, so far, this journey has gone better than I could have expected or imagined. This was the first real “hiccup”. It had all gone well…..almost too well. So – I accept this challenge again. Maybe it’s the universe telling me again, I need to slow down a bit. Perhaps…..we’ll see. I plan to take a little trip for a mental break and R&R at the end of June. It will help.

 

Thank you to everyone who kept things “crossed” from my last update. I had a few chuckles with some responses that’s for sure!

 

Will keep you all posted. A little longer wait to putting this disease behind me – – but there is that saying that “good things come to those who wait”!

 

Winnie xoxo

Winnie’s Warriors #10 | Recovery

May11

My dear family & dearest friends:

 

It’s been three weeks since my surgery and I am recovering well and better than I had expected – especially after how I felt in the first few days after the surgery. The sunny days and warmer weather definitely helps with all the soreness, aches and pains. As someone wrote me, “at least with surgical pain, the pain gets less painful each and every day” – so true!

I have been diligently doing my physio exercises 3 times a day – like a good student – I keep at it while I visualize my new and improved LPGA golf swing that I hope to put back on the links before the end of this season! I have seriously considered in the past couple of days to walk over to the Don Valley Golf course and start practising my chipping and putting. After all, golf is all about the short game. Putt for dough and drive for show!!

 

Still waiting for the pathology report. Hopefully I will get them next week. It weighs on my subconscience I think. Causing some restless nights. Even though I feel it will all be fine, I just need to know. It’s been over 8 months since I found the lump that started this major shift and journey in my life. A little over 6 months since I shaved my hair off for charity and started my first chemo treatment. So much has happened. So now, just a few more days (I hope!) to hear 3 little words……that I know we all want to hear….. that the “Cancer is Gone”.  And, yes – the other 3 little words too:  “Love you all”!!

 

Oh, another important thing: I am freely laughing and accepting hugs again.  (big smile)

 

Fingers and toes crossed,

Winnie xoxo

Winnie’s Warriors #9 | “Apres-surgery”

Apr21

Good morning dear family and friends:

 

It is a sunny day looking out on the balcony as I write this. First off, the surgeons let my family know that the operations were a success and that things went very well. I was too drugged up and dopey from the morphine that I didn’t really talk to anyone. We were at the hospital for an entire shift. We arrived just after 6 a.m. and didn’t leave until about 6:30 p.m. Even though I was ‘fine’, I was having difficulty waking up and they needed to put me on oxygen. It’s given my completion a nice glow…… 🙂

 

Today is day two apres-surgery and I have to say it is quite painful. I think partly because of the immediate reconstruction. It is a foreign entity inside my body, but hopefully by the time the drains come out, it will be much better. I am walking and moving around in my condo. The nurse has come to see me for the past two days to change the dressing and check on the wounds and drains. All good and normal.

 

I want to share again how thankful, grateful, touched and moved I have been by all of you. The out-pouring of support and love has been unbelievable and continuously reminds me of how blessed and lucky I am to have you in my life. I was told that if you could count the number of true friends you have on one hand, that you are lucky. So I am more than lucky. I am truly, truly blessed. This journey, although not entirely over, is well on its way. There is light at the end of the tunnel. And, according to one,”just a few minor ‘body touch-ups’ to go and we’ll be done!”

 

The trees will be green again soon and with the spring, new hope and life begins again.

 

Take care. Love and big hugs! (Virtual hugs for now – – too painful otherwise at the moment!) – – LOL. (Laugh Out Loud) – – also virtual – because it hurts still to laugh or cough…..LOL.

 

Winnie xo